His Story

10 Months!  It seems a bit surreal at times.  I guess ‘time’ at the moment has less significance than before – it’s relevance to anything a bit pointless.

It’s odd not having a ‘date’ as such for the beginning of ‘us’.  We tried this in February when were ‘re-married’ – it didn’t end so well.  Now I have 2 dates that mess with my brain.  2 dates that hold nothing but memories of deceit and betrayal.

In a bit over a month will be our wedding anniversary – not something worth celebrating anymore.  17 years of deception.  Even if you take out her first indiscretion while we were planning the wedding, it was only a few years in to our marriage before when she first betrayed me.  Either way, it’s all a blurred mess to me; a depressing dream that I realise I won’t just wake up from. 

I still don’t know how to describe our relationship.  ’17 years married’ isn’t it; courting; dating; re-building – who knows?  In spite of all that, what I do feel is that we are ‘together’, possibly more importantly that she is with me.  For real this time.

no_skype-1She had a fair bit of travel for work this month which was really hard.  Not only was it time apart, but I think the reminders of past travel, now combined with her ‘activities’ while away really weigh me down.

One of the places she stayed at seemed more like a hostel than a hotel.  While talking to her on Skype it reminded me of the workers quarters she may have stayed at while on vacation work (while we were planning our wedding). A room possibly similar to where she invited the guy back to on New Years Eve, where our future was tainted before we ever really began.  Where all the lies began.  All this flows through my brain while trying to have a conversation with her!

Other times on Skype it would just hit me that we have had many similar conversations, but on many previous times it was a facade.  We’d finish our conversations with ‘I miss you’ &  ‘I love you’, just for her to go and be with him or  Skype him.  How many times was she just trying to quickly end our conversations so she could be with him?

I don’t like Skype much these days . . . . .

We enjoy watching old episodes of ‘Stargate: SG-1’.  Not so much this month though.  There were many references to shady pasts, betrayal, lies, deceit etc etc – and they felt like little stabbing knives.

There was one scene that was very poignant though.  It spoke of how you can’t change the past or even atone for it, but also how you can move forward with such a burden.  It made me sad that we are in that situation.  There is no sugary frosting that can hide the truth.  At best, it masks it for a while.

pile-donated-clothing-largeOne morning my wife asked told me that she wanted to throw away some of her clothes.  Clothes that had memories or significance regarding her past.

I didn’t realise she still had any, as she knew that I had previously struggled doing the ironing.  Why would she keep clothes that had actual significance when I would struggle with clothes that were just symbolic? 

One of the items of clothes was what she was wearing when she slept with her boss.  Then it just got creepier. Another item was a silk nightie that she took along to a work conference where they (affair guy) would be meeting up.  The yuck thing about that is that she either managed to secretly sneak it in to the clothes wash once she returned (as I would have known she hadn’t worn it at home), or that she just tossed it in the cupboard and possibly wore it again with me later.  The worse ‘significant’ item of clothes was a wrap-around skirt that she’d deliberately wear to work on days they had planed to hook up, as it was the simplest thing manage while having sex in the back of his car.   

I was horrified that she had kept any of these things this long, but I was glad to get them out of the house.  The emotional cleansing she was doing was even huge.

Heading in to Christmas will be hard, but we have 2 months now of solid building of our new relationship.  I’ll take that as a win!

His Story

I have really struggled with not having a date to celebrate the beginning of us.  I understand that neither our wedding anniversary, or the date we ‘recommitted’ to us last year are filled with good memories or something we want to celebrate.  When people ask us how long we’ve been married, we can say ’17 years’, but really, what was our time together?  It definitely wasn’t a marriage in the sense that God created it.  I definitely screwed up the ‘leaving and cleaving’ part of marriage.  Over and over again.

I am still amazed that we are still together, in spite of everything that happened this year.  I am grateful for being given second, and third, and fourth, etc, chances.  I don’t know if we need to label our relationship – to the outside world, yes we are married.  To us, we are together … and that’s all that matters to me at the moment.  And I am doing my best to do everything to make my Husband feel special as often as I can (hopefully every day).

I struggled with being away from the family a lot this month.  Skype was not working all that well, and I really missed being able to share with my Husband all the little bits and pieces that make up my day.  I realise that Skype and phone calls home have a tainted memory for my Husband, but I think we both need to keep in communication while I’m away, as hard as it is for the memories to keep rearing their ugly head, I prefer to keep investing in our relationship for ‘now’, which means sharing all I can.

Also, being in relatively frequent contact while I’m away helps me to show my Husband how willing I am to be accountable to him about my activities.  I realise I was still talkative about what I was doing during the affair, and just didn’t tell him some details, but I’m honestly trying to share every thing with him now … not just what I think he wants to hear to keep my self-preservation.

The clothing issue was one that I had been thinking about for a while.  I have lost a reasonable amount of weight since the affair ended (I don’t believe the two are connected), so most of my clothes that I wore during that time were given away anyway.  But I still had a few items that I had worn during significant occasions … but they also meant other things to me so I didn’t think of getting rid of them before.  When I realised that I was still wearing some things that I had worn when I was with other guys, it hit me pretty hard.  I know I should have thought about this when my Husband had mentioned his struggles with my clothes earlier in the year … I don’t know why. 

Anyway, that morning I put them all in a bag and they have now been thrown out in the garbage.  I couldn’t even bring myself to give them away to someone else – they were tainted, I didn’t want others to have the memories.

It felt good to throw them away, not as an excuse to go shopping for more, but more of a cleansing effect.  I know God is doing things in my life, cleaning me out from the inside, and I know my Husband is seeing the changes as well.  It gives me hope.


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