His Story

It doesn’t get any easier writing these entries.  Possibly when I have nothing to write I might breathe a sigh of relief.  I’m not quite there yet, though.

Leading in to Christmas and the new year was a bit scary.  It was scary contemplating that there had many times I thought we’d not be sharing any more Christmas’ together.  The prospect of a new year to face was simply daunting.  Emotionally, I’d barely survived 2013.  The thought of traveling back (for Christmas) to where the affair took place weighed heavily.

Flashbacks to previous conversations/times, with new twists, seemed the new thing my brain was processing this month.  If not already obvious, the role of alcohol in her decisions was all but muted.  It was there, but not the influence that was once portrayed.  We talked about the first guy she was ‘intimate’ with (no sex) once we were married.  While we were trying to conceive child #1 actually.  She conceded that she probably was the one who initially put herself in the position for him to make a move.  Just to follow it up with another guy about a month later.

The biggest ‘doozy’ of the month came when I queried about quirky locations that she had ‘hooked up’ – apart from the frequented ‘back seat of car’.  She shared that they had gone to his office after hours, before/after traveling together.  A few times they had also laid out a picnic rug in some long grass in a park and had sex there.  Not that quirky locations is high on my list of things to do, but to hear of more ‘first time experiences’ that weren’t with me was difficult.  It simply felt that I had lost all the ‘first time’ experiences we should have had together.   It made me feel like all I ever got was leftovers.

While processing these secret rendezvous, I also wondered how many other times she had given up time with me (cutting short phone calls, leaving early, arriving late with travel etc) just to be with him.

It also reminded me that after we became a couple, I wasn’t even the first person she slept before we were married.

xmas1We spent Christmas at Cait’s parent’s house, which was always going to be hard.  It was the city where we got together, where I proposed, where we got married, where our daughter was born. I was also where we were living when her first three ‘indiscretions’ took place.

Once there, the reminders folded thick and fast.  There was the park we stayed up all night in to watch the sunrise before she left for vacation work. It was also the last time we’d be together before her betrayals began.  In her parent’s house there were photos of us in the year before we got married – the year before we were married where I never knew of her infidelity.  Seeing our wedding photos just made me feel numb.

The room next door to where we sleeping was her old bedroom.  The room in which we had the conversation after she returned from vacation work, where she felt she had told me of sleeping with that first guy (while we were planning our wedding).  The conversation that would have re-shaped the next 17 years of my life. 

I have never understood how Cait could have felt I knew the truth – she never actually said she slept with him.  I certainly didn’t react in a way that would have reflected learning such information.  Not even close.  It doesn’t matter now anyway – my choice to stay covered all past events.

Travelling home was also a bit surreal.  Remembering that the last time we headed home was just after she had confessed.  Heading in to a year of many unknowns; a year of uncertainty and fear.  The memories of the months that progressed afterwards cut even deeper.

Just before new year I had my biggest ‘doozy’ moment, but I think if anything it served as solid reminder that we have many battles to come.  It has been a miracle that we have got this far, but there is still much re-building to do. 

This year, is a new year.  A new beginning, a new opportunity.

This year, I want to begin to dream again.

Her Story

This month was one of investing, but sharing little details that meant more than I realised.

I don’t know why I initiated the stuff with the first guy – I was successful in my work, my Husband was happy with what he was doing, we were trying to get pregnant, why would I risk all of that?  Was it just for attention from some other guy?  What did I hope to get out of it?  I wish I knew …  Yes, alcohol was a factor in the hook-up, but I hadn’t drunk so much as to make me totally useless.  I still had a rational thought in my head – why didn’t I stop it before it went anywhere?

The locations discussion got me out of nowhere – we were actually having a bath together to help each other relax and he asked me more questions about this sort of stuff.  Sharing with my husband, while he’s naked and in my arms, that I had been with another guy in different places that he hadn’t known before, was tough.  I realised that even when I think I’ve been open and honest, there’s still details that should have been shared previously – and I continue on this screwed-up life.

We both had struggles with the whole Christmas and New Year time.  I woke up on Christmas morning and bawled my eyes out – realising that earlier this year, there was a distinct possibility that we wouldn’t be spending it together.  And then the weight of all I had done came crashing around on me.  My Husband was very supportive as he lay in bed with me, holding me while I cried.  Which made me cry more, realising just how wonderful a guy he is, and how I took him so much for granted.  I know he also had a moment of bawling that day … it hit us both pretty hard.

We went past the park we watched the sunrise before I went to vacation work many times, and each time I diverted my eyes so I wasn’t really looking at it.  I wondered why it was affecting us so much, and then I realised it was the last time we were together that I was totally honest with him, after the confession of the previous vacation work, but before being with someone else.  Our last place of innocence.  I grieved for the time lost due to my stupid actions.

My Husband was incredible on Christmas Day.  I had many issues with my mother that day, but he kept me sane and encouraged me throughout it all.  He really is an awesome guy and I’m glad he is willing to still be in my life. 

I remembered our flight home last year, where I was reading a book about a wife that discovered her husband was having an affair.  As this came just after my confession and our ‘re-commitment’, it was very poignant.  We spent most of the flight holding each other’s hands – it gave me some comfort that he still wanted (and wants) to be with me.

I am committed this year to making my Husband feel as special as he is, committed to fighting for our relationship.  I know I am still likely to screw up at times, and fail miserably at this commitment, but I am in this for the long haul.


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