His Story

calendarWe made it!  We got past one whole year.  Looking back, there were so many times it could have gone the other way.  I still very aware that, from many people’s perspective, our relationship would still seem tenuous at best.  But that’s not my problem!

I had a few moments that reminded me that our journey is till going to have its hard times.  I found a video of the kids when they were about 5 & 3 – they were so cute!  It broke my heart when I saw the date.  How could anyone risk losing something so wonderful by chasing after something else?

I had my sessions of breaking down, usually taking me by surprise.  I guess the sorrow slowly sneaks up on you and then smacks you in the face.  Sometimes I would just find it hard looking at Cait and not feel a sense of sorrow flood over me.  A bit like the reminder seeing an old scar might give (not that I think she is an old scar or anything!).

There is always something work-related (her work) that sparks something – it’s kinda hard to avoid.  I had a dream where one of her work mates (who had separated from his wife) took me aside and spelled out her infidelity to me, including his own confession of the deed.  I told Cait about the dream, but it still made me feel crappy.  I also learnt (through my stupid questioning) that the longest time away they had spent together was 5 days and that on one of her trips away, they had hooked up in 2 different countries.  Learning this just highlighted the depth of their relationship, as well as how far she’d go to maintain it.  Also hurt 🙁


Wedding-Anniversary-Wishes-20The biggest event for the month was the passing our wedding anniversary – 17 years it would have been.  The actual day was surprisingly lackluster, but it definitely kept me a bit emotionally low for  the few days after.  I think, in many ways, I had already grieved the loss of that date –  especially since we ‘remarried’ early the next month.  Then we lost that date too . . . . 

Cait asked me one night if I regretted marrying her, or regretted not leaving her.  How does anyone answer that?  Of course our relationship has caused me immense grief, but ‘regretting’ our marriage would denounce all and any joy (including the kids) that has also happened.  However, I would be lying if I denied that I have often battled with those very thoughts.

I pondered what may have happened if she had told me everything on that first night – would we have stayed together?  It’s a moot point, but I don’t think anyone could have managed to fight through that level of betrayal in one hit.  Not even me.


 

We visited a friend (his kids and ours are also friends) who is in the process of a very ugly divorce.  He moved countries with his kids to be support his (ex)wife in a new career.  Just to find out she was declaring her love for another man.

It was really hard trying to be supportive for him, without drawing the parallels between this ex-wife and Cait.  She really struggled, especially seeing exactly how it could have been for us.

It was a hard time for her to deal with as these reminders made her quite despondent.  For me, I kept fighting the battle of trying not to let sorrow overtake hope.

The truth is – hope has already won. The challenge is to keep fighting to claim the victory.

Her Story

I am amazed and humbled that we made it past the one year mark.  I don’t know whether I thought at this time we would have definitely gone our separate ways, never to talk again except about the kids, or that everything would be pushed under the carpet and never spoken of again.  But Dale is not the sort of person to leave things unsaid or undone – so I was forced to realise a few hard truths this month as well.

The biggest one, which has been plaguing both me and Dale through all of this, was why would I make so much effort to spend time with someone else?  Was my own relationship with Dale lacking in some area?  Why was I more comfortable with being pushed into various things with other guys and so ‘prim and proper’ with my own husband? 

I have battled with roller-coaster emotions this month, with some breaking down into tears.  Sometimes I thought that I was getting somewhere with living in the forgiveness that God and Dale have given me.  Other times I would feel an absolute hypocrite and would never be worth any good thing from either of them.

I know that no matter how much effort I put into my relationship with Dale now, it will never cancel out the lack of effort in the past with him, and the over-effort with other guys.  But that doesn’t stop me from trying.  I try to look at each day as a new day that I can find some way to make Dale feel special and loved.  Sometimes I succeed, other times I fail.

I don’t know whether I was expecting the anniversary days to affect me more than they did.  I know that I was definitely more thoughtful and contemplated more of what could have been on the days of our wedding anniversary, the confession and our re-marriage.  I struggled to realise that I had screwed up the idea of marriage for Dale, it was a tough time realising just how much I had stuffed things up.  But it was also a hopeful time – realising that we were still together, Dale still loves me and wants to be with me.

I did struggle with spending time with our soon-to-be divorced friend.  Throughout our time together, I kept thinking ‘there but for the grace of God’ we could have been in the same situation.  I was relieved when one of our planned times together didn’t turn out and we got to spend the night at home with just the family.  Not that I didn’t get along with the friend, just that it was a constant reminder of my own failings.

So each day I still have my own battles to contend with.  But, we’re still here … together … and that gives me hope for today.  Today I can invest in our relationship so we have a tomorrow.  And tomorrow is a new day where I can invest in our relationship again, so we have a day after that.  One day at a time …


 

Surviving an affair | 11 Months previous page | next page  Surviving an affair | 12 Months