His Story:

I was never planning to write about this period of time. I thought I’d just be able to add to my blog every few days with how the journey has been going after 6 months, with some uplifting sentiments and bible verses attached. Just when you feel there is a glimmer of hope . . . .

Last night we were having our regular pre-sleep snuggle & chat when she said she had something else she needed to tell me. My heart sank, my pulse raced and I feared the worse (what ever that may be). Standard reaction to “I have something I need to tell you’ these days.

Her Story:

 

She was unsure if she had told me that they had coordinated some of their work conferences and trips away to coincide with each other. I had expected as much, even still, it was hard to hear. I thanked her for telling me. She told me in which cities they had hooked up, seriously tainting my desire to be in any of them. I’d guessed correctly at about a 1/2 dozen anyway. They had even planned to get together in the city that her parents live – knowing full well that she’d be visiting with them while in town. A pretty powerful ‘bubble’ of denial she was living in.

suitcase-sm“So, you’d spend the whole week living together, going to bed together, having sex, sleeping overnight together?”. ”Did you have a goodnight kiss and cuddle, snuggle in the morning, have showers together?” I shuddered to ask. ” No to the cuddles, yes to having a shower” she acknowledged. She also shared that they would sleep naked – something she was certainly uncomfortable doing (or so I believed). I questioned how she could lie to me for these past 6 months, telling me there was no relationship – just hookups. Why didn’t she just tell me the truth in the beginning instead of all the deception? She said she felt she was trying to protect me, but it was clear she was mainly trying to protect herself, even if thinly disguised as the former.

I asked “did you exchange any romantic sentiments?”. She was quiet, then said “he told me that he loved me”. Instead of continuing with the truth, I then had to ask what her reply was, even thought I already knew – “I said I loved him too”. For all this time she had maintained that while she had a ‘connection” with him, she never stopped loving me and always wanted to be with me. Sounds like a different story to me. I asked whether she only responded to his statements, or whether she was the initiator. ”I guess I said it first sometimes, but it was mainly him”. By this time I had no faith that she ever truly loved me. It was all just a lie.

 I have no excuses for what happened.  I did all this stuff with the full knowledge of what I was doing, the betrayal and lies.  I don’t know how I justified it to myself at the time, but I know I was living in a bubble – what happened on trips stayed on trips etc.

I didn’t know that it would be easier or harder to cope with the idea that we were having a relationship rather than just hooking up for sex.  I know now that it was much worse to admit to the guy I promised to forsake above all others, that I had been sharing emotions and affections with someone else.  I never really thought how my Husband would feel worthless, that I would just toss everything we shared together away for a night (or several) together with another guy.

The big question is how I could say I loved my Husband, and say the same thing to another guy.  To this day, I honestly don’t know.  Looking back, I realise I was not in love with the other guy, but the damage was still done in the relationship with my Husband.

Truth2 -sm

So I continued with the unraveling – they were essentially living together as a couple for a week, but then she would Skype me from the same room, telling me she missed me, missed the family – and saying she ‘loves’ me. It makes me wonder if he was still in the room at this time, or whether they may have just had sex and then she would calmly proceed to call me. I’ve haven’t yet asked her whether she was inviting him to stay in her hotel rooms, or whether she was just moving in with him – but I’m sure it’ll be asked one day.

I proceeded to asked her whether they had ever discussed being/staying together – they had. I asked her about this 6 months ago and she said she always loved me and never wanted not to be with me and that she had never considered leaving me for him. She said they had discussed that if I ever found out and kicked her out, that he would then leave his wife for her. Maybe only if she kicked him out too – these stories never seem to play out so simply. I asked whether had celebrated the anniversary of getting together. She said they didn’t go out for a special dinner or anything, but they had joyfully acknowledged their first and second year of being together. They didn’t make it to the 3rd anniversary, but I doubt they were far off. & Not a ‘relationship’? I felt incredibly gullible & stupid that I had never realised any of this. Let alone questioning the validity of our own marriage.

 I can’t recall a time where I Skyped or called home while the guy was still in the room with me.  I know this doesn’t help the situation, but I think I tried to keep my conversations with my Husband at times where the other guy wasn’t around.  Even though our families were friends and he knew what was going on in my life, I did feel a little strange talking to my Husband with him around. 

That also begs the question, if I was feeling strange about that side of things, why didn’t I stop it earlier?  How could I continue doing something that didn’t feel right?  Again, I don’t know the answer and I don’t know if I ever will.

I don’t remember ever wanting to leave my Husband during this time, but I do remember thinking about what would happen if he found out and kicked me out.  The guy said we’d be together if that ever happened, but looking back, I’m not sure he would ever leave his wife.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? Yes, I’m shouting. Screaming even. Feelings of betrayal and being completely ‘sold out’ run very strongly through my veins. It’s one thing for a wife to ‘sell out’ her relationship with her spouse, but what kind of person gambles with the lives of their kids like that? What kind of mother has such minimal love for her children that that they are so readily traded without fear of consequence for a ‘fling’?

I can understand (to a point) how easy it is to get trapped in a ‘surreal’ existence when frequently travelling with work. Corporate dinners at fancy restaurants, cocktail parties, chest-puffing and brown-nosing, taxis everywhere, fancy hotels – everything laid out and minimal accountability. And miles away from anyone who you need to justify your actions to.

But in the end, she made a choice and and the consequences are very real. I’ve never felt so dead inside. I said to her this morning that I’m hanging by a thread to God, but also felt like a knight in battle. I try to stand and fight (for her), but keep getting cut down, stabbed in the back and run through. Today I could make it to one knee to face ahead. But that was all.

It’s been a tough day . .

 Throughout the months I have tried to never justify or brush off the decisions I made during the affair (and previous betrayals).  I promised myself that I would take responsibility for my decisions – even if I didn’t understand why I made them.  I never wanted to downplay or say ‘it was only 1 night here and there’ or ‘only 1 time at this place’, the actual act of betrayal (and ongoing betrayal) was bigger than the details of the number of times.

I am still amazed that my Husband chose to fight for our relationship … it’s an ongoing battle that I hope will get easier for him over time.  I know I will constantly be reminded by my past mistakes but will fight to make my Husband feel as special as possible, as often as possible.


 

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