His Story

Another question that I had asked her previously, was how the timing of the affair matched with a period that she was wanting a third child.  Obvious questions about whether it was an attempt to  create a reason to end the affair, an attempt to cover up a possible pregnancy, or even a catalyst for the affair (I didn’t want a 3rd child) were vivid in my mind.

She had told me previously that time was before the affair and had no bearing on it.  For some reason, I felt it all didn’t add up and asked the question again.  This time the answer changed.  Again.

marriedwomenShe hadn’t lied about the timing of child 3 being during the affair.  In the confusion of our discussing it, she felt I had said ‘yes’ and stopped taking birth control.  It was the next month during her period that she slept with her boss.  She admitted to being scared that she may get pregnant.  That didn’t help much.  

How does someone go from wanting a child with their partner, to having unprotected sex with another within weeks?  So many levels of heartache.  The risks alone that she took sometimes make it hard for me to see her with our kids.  Hard to see that they are of value to her.

To make things worse, it was only a number weeks again that the 3 year affair began.  From having the desire for kid #3, to being unfaithful with two different guys within 2 months – it sounds like a bad episode of ‘Days of our lives’.  Unfortunately, she was living it.

It’s also hard to understand how that she had remorse after sleeping with her boss (she said she did), but just weeks later letting herself into the scenario that began the affair.  You think that she would have been a bit wiser to it all, or, as I mentioned the quote before – maybe she was getting exactly what she wanted.

 Her Story

 This is my self-preservation at its finest (and where I am very ashamed of myself).  I answered my husband’s questions about the timing honestly, but obviously answered only the question, realising that further information would continue to show how much I betrayed him.

I don’t know why I was so sure that we should have a 3rd child – and I honestly thought my Husband had agreed to it.  Why I would then go and have unprotected sex with my boss, that I still can’t comprehend.  I originally blamed it on having too much to drink, but I wasn’t so drunk that I couldn’t stand up so there was a level of knowledge about what I was doing.  After that night, I was worried about being pregnant – how would I explain that? 

The night with my boss, I had spent a reasonable time chatting with the guy who I would later (soon) have the affair with.  We got along really well at the dinner, but he had to go and do something else afterwards, or else I may have ended up with him instead.  I realise that sounds terrible – realising that I may have had sex with a guy that night, irrespective of who – but I wonder whether if we had hooked up that night, whether it would have just been a one-night stand, or whether it would have continued for the length of time of the affair. 

I would have thought I’d learned my lesson from previous times, obviously I didn’t and now I am suffering the consequences.

Our family holiday was awesome, but sad at the same time.  It was a great investment of time in to our new relationship, but also a bearer of sadness.  We had many things go wrong, where I believe God bailed us out – giving us a chance for bank some new memories.

She had saved some chocolate she was given for us to eat once we were together (the week before she was away at a work conference).  Unfortunately, being invited to a hotel room, after a conference, to share chocolate wasn’t a good memory for me (see month 3).  She hadn’t even considered the connection.  We shared the chocolate and had a nice night together.  I didn’t tell her until the next day that it was hard for me.  I also didn’t want let every insignificant event to wield power of us.

familyWe spent every moment we could holding hands and walking together, but still I was battling.  It really sucks to have so many things be a trigger for a memory or nightmare.  She was having a shower one morning and left the door open while she was drying herself.  I whistled a flirtatious ‘hello’, but then got hammered by the vision of them sleeping naked together and showering together.  It really sucks.

I boldly went through the denying any compromising thoughts that would dampen the week together.  Once we returned, she asked me how I was going and it all was blurted out.  I asked her whether they had ever gone out for a walk holding hands or acted as a couple.  Did they ever have a special romantic dinner?  “Yes” was the answer for that one.  The thought of them staying in fancy hotels, eating at expensive restaurants and staring googly-eyed gazes at each other was heartbreaking.

They would also co-ordinate their business class plane seats so they could sit together.  Much of this sounds obvious, but it still hurts to hear.  There is little worse than seeing an image of her in various levels of intimacy, except for seeing her with a smile on her face as well.

 I hate the fact that making good memories now still has the past brought up.  I hate the fact that everything I do for my Husband now, there is an undertone, wondering if I did a similar thing with someone else.  I hate the fact that I can’t just enjoy being with my Husband now, without remembering all the times I betrayed him.  No matter how hard I try to invest in our current and future relationship, the past is always there, lurking in my memories, reminding me of similar times and activities with others.

I am trying to look towards today and tomorrow in terms of my relationship with my Husband.  I am not trying to forget the past, I know that will always be there, I am hoping that the good we are doing now, will ultimately outweigh all the bad bits of the past x amount of years.

 I believe the trip away will hold different memories for us in the future, when (hopefully) some of this crap we are wading through washes away.  For now, it’s hard to know where to place the memories in the ’emotional bank’. We haven’t shared this time as a 16+yr married couple – that ship sailed.  Even this year, since the confession, is a mess of re-invention and fresh starts.

While the hurt we are dealing with envelopes much of our current emotions, I believe that one day, we can look back on this time as great memory. 

 

 

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