His Story

As I didn’t think that I’d be writing anything for month 7, I surely didn’t have any consideration for month 8 either.  Guess I’ll keep sharing the journey as long as someone is listening!

Once again, it has been a month of seemingly irrelevant details posing nagging questions in my brain.  I know too well how these insignificant details can end up being huge and painful.  This month was a lot about facing the reality of her relationships and duplicity.  How once I believed that what we (as a married couple) had was sacred, just to learn that I was being punched in and out like a time card.

 Her Story

 

tumblr_lgac23Hots1qdnqk6o1_500Bits of pieces of information were knitting together to continue to paint an ugly picture of our relationship.  It’s weird though.  I would have never said we had any problems with our marriage, neither would she, but obviously something was amiss. I know she looks back and doesn’t understand  why she did the things she did, but there is quote I heard that sort of sums it up – ‘Never regret anything, because at one stage it was exactly what you wanted’.  Doesn’t make me feel any better though  . . . 

I asked her how quickly she would ‘hook up’ again with him after returning from her trips away.  She said “a couple of days”.  It’s hard to feel like anything she said about missing me or our family was true if she was so hastily seeking out his affection.  Let alone the fact that undoubtedly there would have been time that she had been intimate with him during the day, then come to bed with me that night.  The thought gives me nightmares.

I look back on the period of the affair and wonder why and how constantly.  Sometimes I think I was two separate people – being able to compartmentalise what I was doing outside of my marriage and not realising the impact it was having, and continues to have, on the marriage and my husband.  I don’t know the why – my Husband didn’t do anything that would logically cause me to go seeking affection elsewhere – I don’t know if I’ll ever know why I did the things I did.

For someone who wasn’t really into sex for the longest time, I can understand the difficulty of my Husband understanding how I could have sex with him during the day and then be with my Husband at night time.  I still don’t understand it.

I asked her whether they had ever photographed or videoed themselves naked or having sex.  One of those questions that you don’t really want to hear an answer for, especially in this day and age of things getting posted on the internet.  She answered “no”.  But, the next day, the story changed.  It deeply hurt me that she still was concealing things from me.  

She told me they Skype each other while she was away.  Even though this kind of communication would seem obvious in light of the affair, it still was another level of duplicity.  Another time where she’d call home, say she missed me, say she loved me – then hand up and call him.  But, that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

webcamI’ve mentioned previous about my wife’s inhibitions, but how they seemed to disappear with him was painful to hear.  On a few occasions, he asked her to strip naked (on Skype) for him – and she obliged. Maybe she did a flirtatious dance as well – I haven’t asked. This was something that had never happened between us in 10 years of her travelling for work.  She said she never felt comfortable while doing it, but he had a level of power over her.

Once they mutually masturbated over Skype.  Yes, lost their clothes and fondled away until he finished.  All while he was on his home PC with his wife & kids asleep in their rooms.  More horror images to deal with.

I guess it would be easy to assume that she was actually more frisky than I realised and I was the problem with her ‘inhibitions’.  I can assure you that has never been the case.  It is more that she felt comfortable saying ‘no’ with me, but dared not with him.  I guess that is something to be glad for.

We would have times on Skype where I knew he was up late at night with the rest of his family asleep.  We wouldn’t talk, but chat (message) for a while, catching up on each other’s day.  Yes, I realise now that this was another sign that we were in a relationship, and continues to highlight the extent of my duplicity and deception.

I felt that I couldn’t really say no to his wishes.  If he asked me to do something, I wasn’t sure what would happen if I refused.  I don’t think (now) that anything bad would happen, but I often felt that he had a lot of power over me.  Maybe I was worried that if I angered him, he would disclose our affair to all and sundry.  Maybe I enjoyed being ‘risque’ outside of my ‘good, Christan marriage’.  I don’t know – I wish I did. 


 

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