Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.  We didn’t celebrate it.  Mostly just tried to ignore it.

Cait had quite clear emotions that she was dealing with.  Me – I really didn’t understand  what I felt.  Confusion would be the first word that comes to mind.  If the affair was just  a period of time somewhere in the middle of our time together, maybe I could see a ‘bigger picture’.  Seeing that time as just a ‘dent’ along our journey.

But I don’t.  Because our marriage was entered into with deception and and betrayal, then littered with more of the same – I struggle to have any sense of time frame that doesn’t feel tainted.  As for a new ‘clean’ date to remember, I’ve got no idea.  I guess because we both still wear our original wedding rings, it sort of bluffs our way through most of the year.  Most of the year.

Today, I feel emotionally spent.  I just want to hang out with Cait and ignore the world.  Without a new anniversary date, the old one grits a nasty set of teeth.  But, I can’t just invent a new one, or randomly pick a date to vaguely represent our relationship.  I have no answer.

Today, I sort of feel beaten.   Drained.    Yet, I still know we have victory.