His blog Archives

End of an era

This is going to be my last post!  It’s been a bit over 2 years since Cait confessed – there sure have been challenges – but it’s time to stop reflecting on every moment as a possible ‘post’.

Writing this website has been therapeutic for me, as well as being a meeting place for us to help others in similar situations – something I never thought would actually happen.  I’ve read other people journey’s online and there is a definite downward spiral to those who keep loitering with the past.  At some point, your ‘two steps forward’ actually sticks and it is a mistake to look back.  That doesn’t mean things don’t pop up anymore – your strength and relationship just grows to a point where those moments are more like a ‘tease’ that you can choose to ignore/fend off.

For those who have read through our story, you would know that I have felt that our ‘marriage’ was voided through Caits actions.  Null, dead, buried.  There was no official divorce, but in my heart that marriage no longer existed.  My view of marriage and ‘forever’ was smashed.

But, a few weeks ago, after more than 2 years, I finally felt I was at a place where I wanted to propose to Cait –  for a new beginning.

She said yes.

Anniversary again

Yesterday was our wedding anniversary.  We didn’t celebrate it.  Mostly just tried to ignore it.

Cait had quite clear emotions that she was dealing with.  Me – I really didn’t understand  what I felt.  Confusion would be the first word that comes to mind.  If the affair was just  a period of time somewhere in the middle of our time together, maybe I could see a ‘bigger picture’.  Seeing that time as just a ‘dent’ along our journey.

But I don’t.  Because our marriage was entered into with deception and and betrayal, then littered with more of the same – I struggle to have any sense of time frame that doesn’t feel tainted.  As for a new ‘clean’ date to remember, I’ve got no idea.  I guess because we both still wear our original wedding rings, it sort of bluffs our way through most of the year.  Most of the year.

Today, I feel emotionally spent.  I just want to hang out with Cait and ignore the world.  Without a new anniversary date, the old one grits a nasty set of teeth.  But, I can’t just invent a new one, or randomly pick a date to vaguely represent our relationship.  I have no answer.

Today, I sort of feel beaten.   Drained.    Yet, I still know we have victory.

Stupid Tv

Aargh.  Shouldn’t let it bother me, but sometimes it just sucks.  We were snuggled up in bed watching an episode of ‘Arrow’, just to be bombarded with crap – all in the space of a few minutes.

Best friend sleeps with girlfriend;  Mother hooks up with Father’s best friend: guy sleeps with (almost) bride at wedding rehearsal etc.  Yes, it’s just a TV show (not even a dodgy soapy where you’d expect this stuff), but I’m sick of having to take a deep breath and chase images out of my mind when it should just be a nice time of cuddling on a cold morning.

One day, maybe.  I hope.

groundhog day

Feeling a bit low today.  Not just from eating too much chocolate yesterday.  We watched a Disney Christmas cartoon yesterday and it had ‘groundhog day’ (recurring day) theme to it.

So, last night I didn’t sleep too well, many theories, situations, possibilities about things I ‘may’ do if I had a recurring day with no consequences.  Needless to say, the devil had a field day with lots of  ‘she did ‘this’, so you should have done ‘that’, hoooked up with, chased after, flirted with, risked, pursued etc etc – all with no consequence.

I left the path of ‘revenge’ behind when I chose to forgive.  Still, the devil is good pushing the right buttons to goad you down the path of ‘what if?’  As hard as it is, that’s not the path I’ve chosen.   Every moment I’m awake is a blessing I don’t deserve.  Looking over your shoulder not only makes you miss the blessings of the new day, I reckon it makes you stumble.

Yes, ‘having your cake and eating it too’ sometimes seems like you ‘have it all’ (in spite of the possible consequences).  But, I guess you just consider those who have been down that path and ask them whether it left them ‘fulfilled’, or broken.

Today is another new day.   I’m not going to let it be swallowed by false regret.

 

Keep working

I’ve been wondering how long I’ll keep being active with this website.  In a couple of months it will be 2 years since Cait confessed.    No exactly an anniversary to remember, but it’s kind of hard to forget.

As the time has progressed, the ‘unique’ struggles have lessened – they are the ones that have been the hardest to cope with with.  The ‘hum’ of memories still haunt me from time to time.  Sometimes they are easy to brush aside, other times I still need to battle through. I still get flashes of images of her ‘with’ other people, sometimes making our own ‘intimate’ moments a bit ‘tainted’, for want of a better word.  I still have moments where I struggle with ‘why’.  I still have times when I am just ‘sad’.

I guess satan just doesn’t give up.  Outside of forgiveness and new beginnings, he is not going to give up on any opportunity to hurt us.  Thus the sting of ‘consequence’.  Yet, it is never time to give up.  It remains time to keep working on ‘us’.  It never stops being an opportunity to get back on our feet when we have been knocked down.

Not always easy, but conceding defeat is not an option.

Jealousy

I was thinking about this the other day – what emotions seem to rear their ugly head the most?

Apart from general ‘sadness’, ‘Jealousy’ caught my eye.  It’s not jealousy in sense that I wish I was doing what Cait did (or what ‘he’ was doing’, or even what they  ‘had’ (from an emotional perspective) – I think it’s more about the ‘input’ meant for our relationship that was directed elsewhere. The time, the energy, the love (term used loosely), the intimacy  – it all should have been only one persons (me!).

Occasionally when we are just snuggling in bed on a cold Saturday morning, I’d get get a ‘flash’ of her lying with him, doing the same.  It quickly expands to  the thoughts of her sleeping with him, spending the whole night together (a habit they did naked)(that doesn’t help), then the perceived romantic ‘waking up together’. As you could imagine, it severs the intimate connection rather savagely.  It takes a while for me to clear my head and claim the new day, claim our new relationship & most importantly remind myself of God’s cleansing grace.  Some days are harder than others.

The jealous part slides in very subtlety.  Apart from the scars left from thoughts of their intimacy, it stirs up thoughts of time time lost; time we can’t recover; time which feels so easily ‘given away’.

I have forgiven Cait.  She is a new person.  We have a new relationship (better than the old).  Yet,  the thing I grieve for the most is the time that we will never recover.

 

 

Keep fighting

64a02e003a7c50a8b6f065f3f946cacfWe’ve been in our new town for about 3 months now.  It’s been busy!

It’s sometimes a bit strange to contemplate the road we’ve traveled over the last couple of years.  Not that I’m dwelling on it or anything – but there are still times that the past rears its ugly head.  Somedays, for no real reason, something triggers a memory of a moment in time and I just feel sad.  The other day Cait heard a song on the radio that stirred up some sorrow.

It has lessened, I can go days without even remembering.  Even then, it’s often just a fleeting niggle that I am getting better at brushing off.

So, for anyone still battling along – it does get easier.  But, you’ve got to got to keep fighting!

Unpacking

We’ve pretty much finished unpacking all our boxes from our relocation.  There has been a number of things that have sparked a tear or two along the way.  It’s hard when you have half a lifetime worth of memories that you are not sure if you want to wipe completley from your mind, knowing that you will send some good stuff away with it.

Even watching an episode of ‘Glee’ the other night  was hard – lots of sublties that relate to the past (no, not just the painful acting).  But, at least that’s an easier one to turn off.

Again, today is a new day; a new opportunity; a new beginning.  God has blessed with a new ‘gift’ to unpack.  It’s up to us to make the mostof it.

Carrying forward

A few days ago  I began shopping for a new bed, so our new house (and new start) wouldn’t be ‘tainted’ by the memories of what happened previously.  It was hard at times – trying to find a bed we liked, but not similar to the other.  It also was hard dealing with the fact that we are ‘paying’ in a different way for Cait’s affair – quite literally this time.   Beds are that cheap!

But, I found something that we do fine & although it has been difficult, it is another ‘piece’ of the progression of living a new life. Sometimes it feels like we take a step back, but in reality, God is still carrying us forward!

Lacking

I’ve been feeling a bit flat recently.  We’re in our new city, Cait is loving her new job, the kids are enjoying their new schools.  Yet, I just feel ordinary.  I’ve been fighting this emotional lowness ‘welling up’ inside me.  I guess it’s about due time for me have a big sook again . . . .

I still still struggle at times with feeling  that there was something I was ‘lacking’ for her to seek intimacy with someone else.  Be it emotionally, or sexually.   It still hurts that ‘I’ wasn’t enough.  In my head at times, I still struggle to fight against comparing myself to  ‘the other guy/s’.   It’s a struggle to believe much differently when the ‘fruits of her desire’ took her down a different path.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t don’t lack confidence or self-worth.  I know who I am.  But, I’m still battling the demons and scars of the past.  I don’t believe that I have issues with ‘letting go’ – I have forgiven Cait.  End of story.   It’s just sometimes I am reminded that I still have some healing to do also.

 

 Page 1 of 14  1  2  3  4  5 » ...  Last »