Christmas approaches – in our new house, new city, new job, new start.  All of that.  We’ve been  pretty busy over these last couple of months, so it’s not surprising I’m a bit tired.  Cait’s tired too.

Our conversations about ‘the past’ have become rarer, but sometimes I think we still need to talk about it.  It’s hard trying to find the the balance between ‘moving on’ and sharing sad moments when one of us is feeling low.  Especially when the reminder (or memory) is something we’ve faced before – do we bring it up and talk about it again, or just leave it alone?  I don’t always think we get it right.  Either way, you just end up feeling sad.

There was something on the TV the other night (oh, sometimes TV is the worst reminder) that mentioned the date of our (once) wedding anniversary.  I was sad.  I had already been struggling a bit with the memory of Cait’s infidelity when we were (essentially) engaged.  She had gone away for 3 months of vacation work over Christmas/new year when it happened.  If I new back then , we most likely would have never been married.  How does a person process that?  Especially so close to Christmas with a family.  How do you fathom nearly 17 years of  lies as you approach what would have been our 18th anniversary?  I’ll never again celebrate that date, but I’ve got no other.  More years to look back on as deceit and folly than joy.  Good memories turned to lies,  pivotal family moments stripped of meaning.

I’m working hard to celebrate this Christmas as ‘new’.  Christ wasn’t born to make us dwell on the old – it was to usher in the new.  If the only thing I can celebrate this Christmas is that we have a new beginning – I’ll take that as a win.  And never forget that it’s a gift that God gives me new every day.  I hope Cait never forgets this too.

Lamentations 3:22-23

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,  for his compassions never fail.
 They are new every morning;  great is your faithfulness