His Story:

We had our up and down days – sometimes feeling close, other days wondering if it will all end up being too hard.  Everyday felt like there needed to be a conscious decision to not give up, the lack of a ‘decision’ being the first step the other way.

We continued to communicate well regarding the affair.  Most of the ‘ugly’ questions had posed and answered, but it still was a void of confusion.  I finally had enough courage to ask her how it happened, what transpired leading up to the initial ‘deed’.

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She told me that they had met at a work conference previously and got on well – even I’d admit he was a nice guy (on the surface!).  At another conference, they had sat next to each other at a conference dinner, chatted and enjoyed each other’s company.  She said that she had drunk a bit too much, but I doubt that it was any cause of influence or inhibition.  He invited her up to his room because he had some chocolate he had bought for her.

She went up to his room and sat on the bed.  He came over with the chocolate and sat next, then lent over for a kiss.  She didn’t pull away and the kiss proceeded.  I guess she responded to the kissing, as then he started to unbutton her shirt – and what happened next needs no explanation.

Her Story:

It was a roller-coaster ride – sometimes I felt low, sometimes my Husband felt low.  I constantly tried to make amends, to make my Husband feel special, to not do things for him just to get nice things done back to me.  I thought we were doing ok with communicating, I thought we were heading upwards after being at the bottom of the barrel.

I had known this guy for many years – he used to work at the same place that I now did and we often bumped into each other in the corridors, even after he left to work for another company.  He was always very easy to talk to and I really didn’t think much of it.  The time where it all started, he had asked me to bring across some stuff for him as he was already overseas and realised he’d left stuff in his office.  His company sent it to me, and I brought it with me – I jokingly told him that he owed me something … which is where the chocolate came in.

 

“WHY?” I asked.  “Why did you let him kiss you?  Why didn’t you pull away?  Why did you let it go further than a kiss once you knew what was happening?  Why did you think it was all OK?  Why did you never consider the risk to our relationship?”.  My heart steadily sank while realising she had made a choice, every step of the way.  “What were wanting?  Just a kiss?  A little smooch on the side?  Was even that no problem for you to justify?  Were you wanting to have sex?”.  There were simply no answers for these questions.guilt

One of the hardest things for me to deal with was that we had faced her ‘past’ during our courtship.  I believed she had put these things behind her.  I believed we were starting fresh, starting new, no baggage.  I  believed in her – I thought she believed in ‘us’.  It was becoming apparent that the ‘new beginning’ our relationship was founded on didn’t hold much weight compared to  her desire for some attention.  Not that I believe that it was some heroic gesture for me to forgive and forget all those years ago, but it wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t my dream start to a relationship and especially not marriage.  But, I made a choice to stick by her.

Now all the emotions related to setting that foundation felt like they had been torn up by her and thrown them in the blender.  Not only worth nothing, but actively thrown away.  It was hard knowing that I had put my complete faith and trust in her, when other’s didn’t – just to hear this little voice saying ‘told you so!’.

It doesn’t matter though – I had made my choice 17 years ago and I still stand by it.

I honestly don’t know what I was expecting.  Talking with my Husband and writing this stuff down, it shows that I was incredibly naive – I always thought that the guy would stop, that he would respect the fact that we were both married.  I know, even kissing someone else while you’re married shouldn’t happen, but I guess I got carried away in the moment.  There are no reasons that I can give as to what happened, or why. 

It’s a recurring theme – I don’t like conflict, so I let the guy do what he wants, hoping that he’ll stop soon but not having the strength to tell him to stop.  Unfortunately, trusting the guy to stop has never really worked.  It should have been me never starting it in the first place.

 

With so many images, thoughts & ideas tearing at my brain it is not surprising that some would quite be horrifying.I’ve mentioned previously about having a dream where I was just a ‘bystander’ outside of the car where they were going at it.  Helpless to do anything.  One of  the most gut-wrenching ones was when she was away on another work trip (a recipe for mental anguish!).   I had been on the computer working when I was tempted to go search out some online nudity and various other activities.  One side of me was saying “who cares – it’ll never amount to anything compared to what she has done to you”, while the other side was fighting back with “it may not be physical, but seeking sexual pleasure outside of your wife is still adultery”.  After a while it just got too difficult to fight, so I turned of the PC.

black-and-white-draw-heart-lost-love-Favim.com-284820I was soon again tempted to foster thoughts of other women, so I decided to think of being with my wife instead.  ‘POW’ – this image hit me in the face.  I could see my wife engaging in intimate activity, but I wasn’t the one with her.  There was a were about 5 guys with her, of which only one face I recognised (him).  It was horrible. It haunted me for days.  It scared me that I may never be able to be with her without having some imagery of it not being me.

It also broke my heart knowing what was being lost.

I have struggled with images in my mind – wanting to only dream of being intimate with my Husband, but sometimes having memories and/or other images of being with other guys.  I don’t want these memories or images, I often have to actively pray to God to take them away from me.  I want to have pure thoughts and dreams again … I want to be true to my Husband and my God.

 

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