His Story:

We had been doing pretty well with intimacy of late, possibly better that before.  I guess that she had no reasons for inhibitions any more, let along being able to justify them.  Mostly I think it was because she wanted our new relationship to be something special, not overshadowed by baggage of the past.

imagesI don’t know why, but sometimes I’d get questions come back to me – nagging me.  Maybe because there was some odd subtlety about how she answered the first time, but mostly they seemed random, but none the less annoying.  That night was one of those moments.  After feeling like we had put some good new experiences ‘in the bank’, this question bugged me.  I had asked her right at the start if they had got up to anything ‘funky’ or ‘interesting’,  or whether it was just intercourse.  She had replied “just sex”, so I wasn’t expecting any other answer.

My question was a tad explicit, but I guess that isn’t too unexpected.  I asked her “did he ever go down on you (oral sex)?”.  She quietly said “yes”.  My heart raced as I dared to proceed –  “Did you ever go down on him?”.  “Yes” was her guarded response as  she was realising that this hadn’t be shared with me.  Yes, I know my initial question wasn’t as ‘specific’ as this time – but it was clear enough that he should have used the opportunity to tell me all the ugly details.  When I mentioned that I had asked her previously and that she answered said ‘no’, she questioned the account.  She remembered as I described the previous conversation.  I asked her “what did you think I was meaning by ‘funky’ or ‘just sex’?”.  In context of the affair, this probably seems like a minor issue, but in reference to our relationship it was.

She had always been self-conscious of her body, as well as feeling a bit like ‘damaged goods’. I have never treated her as such and was willing to be as patient as needed, for her.  I recalled to her that one night during our 3rd year of marriage,  she asked me to no longer touch her breasts, which I honoured (we worked though the issue).  I asked “how should I feel looking back at that moment, when with your husband you wished your boobs not be touched, but you freely give even more away to another?”.  I knew it was a rhetorical question.

sign-used-carsMore-so, we were 10 years in to our marriage before she was comfortable with equal levels of intimacy that she  so casually handed over to her lover.  10 years.  With him it was – who knows, weeks? months? – ironically it may have only been weeks or months after the barriers had broken down between us that she started with him.  Again, I was heartbroken – how many times can that happen?  I felt that I had been lied to, or at the very least deceived.  I felt used and taken advantage of.  My patience, understanding and caring for her amounted to nothing in the light that all her inhibitions seemed fleeting at the prospect of a cheap thrill of another.  Our marriage, everything about me – seemed worthless to her.

Her Story:

As mentioned before, I have always had a poor self-image.  I have never liked seeing myself naked, so in times of intimacy, I will often prefer the lights off, or under the covers etc.  During this time, I was starting to feel more comfortable with my Husband, willing to try new things.

The question of ‘funky’ came up … in my mind that equated to things like threesomes, other objects, etc, which is why I originally said no.  Before my Husband and I got married I remember having a conversation about oral sex and it never really played much of a part in our relationship.  It was probably because I never really enjoyed sex, and didn’t want to do anything to prolong it.  But I can imagine finding out that I’ve done that sort of stuff with someone else, when it took so long for me to do it with my Husband, would have been devastating. 

Again, it just shows me how selfish I was during that time, how I totally mis-treated my Husband and took him for granted in so many ways.


One day it hit me that she had been sexually intimate with as many guys since we were a couple, than I had girlfriends.  I must admit, 3 girlfriends (including her) isn’t many, but to think that she had been unfaithful with 3 guys in the 17 years we have been together is not something easily dismissed.  It definitely challenged my resolve to fight on.  What kind of future can you have with someone who would do that?

I was pondering the timing of it all, with the other family events of that time and I asked her “Carols by Candlelight 2007?”.  I was involved in a C by C event put on by our Church (I was playing in the band, as well as doing a solo performance) and we had invited his family along.  I had always hoped that our our family’s  friendship would lead to an opportunity to share our faith and maybe get them along to Church one day. This revelation was a slap in the face.  “what were you thinking?” I asked.  “How could you justify what you were doing while pretending to be a Christian?”.  “What do you think he is going to believe about  God/Jesus, when you are blatantly disregarding everything you supposedly believe?”.  ‘Christians’ are often the best argument against Christianity it seems.

She mentioned afterwards that she had thought that she may be able to witness to him and lead him to Christ through their affair.  Maybe God has a way of reaching his family though this.  His ways are above ours and anything is possible.  The scary thing is that He might ask her to confront her past in the process. I believe she would do it.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord.  As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways  and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 55:8-9

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

Matthew 19:26


 It sounds stupid now, but through the affair I often wondered why it was happening.  I still read my Bible, still went to church – still trying to be a ‘good Christian’.  Somehow the whole part of being faithful didn’t quite compute …! For some time I thought that maybe through this experience, that the guy and his family may come to know God.  I have no idea how, considering I was breaking one of God’s clearest commands for marriage – not committing adultery.

Maybe I thought that sharing with him the struggles I was having rationalizing our affair and my relationship with God would help him to know God.  I think this was just me clutching at straws, trying to justify what I was doing, but God only knows.


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