His Story:

It had been a pretty intense month already, but we were just getting warmed up.  After finding out our whole relationship was built on a lie, the questions kept coming.

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I questioned her on the fact that she had not expressed any remorse for her sleeping with the guy while we were engaged.  She said she remembered kicking him out and regretting it the next day.  She was meant to meet up with some friends from Church, but spent the day wandering the streets wondering why she had made that choice the night before.

That did bring some sense of relief, but it opened more questions.   Why did she not learn anything from it?  Why in a few short years (while we were trying for our first child) would she put herself in that position again?  Why did she keep putting herself in these positions?

It came to me also that she had not expressed any specific regret for sleeping with her boss.  She mentioned they never spoke of it again, but that was it.  Not that her saying she wished she hadn’t done these things was vital to know – she felt this during the affair, yet it wasn’t enough motivation for her to end it.  I guess it just gave me a bit of hope that she did care for me somewhere in there.  Even if it was just microscopic.

Her Story:

I struggle with the why question a lot – why did I sleep with someone else when I was a committed Christian, in a committed relationship?  Was it just a cry for attention from my peers, that I had never received before?  Was it some sort of self-sabotage – thinking that my (now) Husband didn’t really love me and this was a way to spare him the pain of living with me for the rest of his life? Was it that I wanted to be recognised for being special – no other female in the group was acting like this?

I have asked myself these questions, and more, many times since then and I am no closer to finding the answers.

The indiscretions during our marriage … I have no idea why I did them either.  I knew I loved my Husband, but I don’t think I knew what real love was back then – the total self-sacrificing, looking out for the other type of love, not the ‘taking for granted that he will always be there for me’ love.

During another of our nightly discussions, I was asking her why  she had taken me for a scenic drive around the very area she was hooking up in the back of the car.  Felt a bit creepy to me (I didn’t know at the time).  She said she wanted to repair the memory of the area and get rid of the nightmare.House smWe kept on talking and I asked where else they were hooking up for sex.  “Did you ever book a room?”  I asked.  “Did you ever fake a work trip just to get together?”  She answered no, but admitted that they went back to his house a few times.  “In their bed?”  I asked.  She nodded yes.

I didn’t want to know, but had to ask – “did you ever take him back to our house?” (we have moved since).  She first said no, then put her face in her hands and sighed “yes.  One time”.  I felt stabbed.  Many times, in the back.  To be so blatantly deceived and to see the audacity she had to invite him into our house was almost unbearable.  Apart from feeling dirty, it spoke of how low she truly considered out relationship and family.  It was our kid’s house too.

“In our room?”  I asked.  “Yes”, she replied.  She told me he had just come back from a trip away and dropped by our house.  I was out with my Father (most likely doing some work at our Church) and she invited him in.  Invited him in to our bedroom.  Our bed.  Where our kids were conceived.  Nothing was sacred anymore.  Just tainted.

 I struggle with the past memories vs the now – at what stage do we continue running away from situations and things that remind us of these betrayals?  At what stage do we stand up and say that we will make new memories with each other to outweigh the past?  In some areas I have had to do this by myself – staying at the same hotels where I hooked up with ‘the guy’, going to the same cities where indiscretions occurred etc.  In other areas I have deliberately thrown away reminders.I don’t want these things to have a hold over me, but I also don’t want to trivialise my actions and not be reminded of how much I screwed up.  Where do you draw the line?
It was a hard image to shake.  While having an ‘intimate’ moment ourselves, I closed my eyes but all I saw was ‘him’ sharing that moment with her – not me.  It made me feel sick, but I fought past it and reminded myself that she was with no-one else but me.  A few days later while struggling with the image of my wife cheekily smiling and leading him into our bedroom, I had the realisation that we were still sleeping on the same pillows that they lay down on.  It was horrifying.  5 years of lying where my wife had had sex with another.  The same place we were being intimate.  I don’t know how she could do it.  Not without nightmares.  It gave me the horrors.I cried.

When I asked her about this, she was deeply saddened.  She hadn’t even considered it.  I told her I had considered getting new pillows, but didn’t want every little detail to have the power of suggestion over us.  She just said “No.  We’ll get new pillows”.  These weren’t just ordinary pillows we were replacing.  They were $130 each special super doppler mega memory foam variations.  Still, I had no second thoughts about trying to keep our new bedroom a sanctuary.


 

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