His Story:

Her Story:

I knew that the one thing she was most desperate to hear were the words ‘I forgive you’.  I had previously told her that it wasn’t something I could do until I believed it myself.  The truth is – it wasn’t something I could do myself.  I had the chance to walk away, but by deciding to stay, forgiveness was something I needed to offer.

We took the kids to a playground on the weekend, so it gave us some time to talk.  Life was a bit surreal for me at that time – none of this could possibly be happening could it?  I’d still been crying in my sleep, but it had lessened.  I’d get questions that would flash in to my mind, challenging me see the ‘worldly truth’ of what should have happened with our marriage.  It was a fight, but often the questions were still very valid and needed to be asked.

Forgiveness smI’d been struggling with whether or not to forgive her. Not just saying the words, but making the decision to believe and act on the statement.  I prayed hard for God to give me the strength – ’cause I knew I couldn’t do it on my own.  First, there were questions.  I asked her “who was initiating the lunch-time hook-ups?”, hoping it was just him chasing her.  She replied “I guess it was both of us equally”.  I quietly fired up inside.  “How dare you tell me you hated what you were doing if you just as much chasing him?”.  She went quiet and knew she had been glossing over the truth.  I don’t think she was deliberately trying to lie to me, she just didn’t want to admit the painful truth to herself.  But it was there – more deception.  I held her hand as I cried.  I was completely broken, shattered, an emotional mess.  She repeated her apologies in an attempt to comfort me, but she knew that her words held little weight.

We sat together in sadness for a while, before I took both her hands. I turned to face her and said “I forgive you”.  It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.  You could see in her eyes what it meant to her – hope.

I kept having questions rush through my mind – every doubt fighting for a voice.  But, I had made my choice – and with God’s support I took a step in faith.  He’s been fighting with me ever since.

I needed to know that my Husband forgave me – irrespective of how he felt about me or what the future held for us and our relationship.  I needed to hear the words so that I might (seriously only might) be able to get on the track of forgiving myself.  I was also struggling with the idea that God has forgiven me – that my sins were not the unforgiveable type.

During the process that my Husband worked through and discusses on the left, it became even more clear to me that I was scum and stuffed up even worse than I originally thought.  I found it hard to explain how I could hate what I was doing, but still want to be with the other guy.  I thought I was doing well during the affair in terms of compartmentalising my feelings for both him and my Husband.  I realised then, there was no way that I could have had any type of love for two guys at once – one of them had to lose out and more often than not, it was my Husband.

I can’t express how much relief I felt when I heard the three words from my Husband.  I broke down into tears, just amazed at how strong my Husband’s faith was, and still is.  To be able to say those words, when every fibre in his being was fighting him, because he knew that’s what God wanted him to do, was amazing.  I knew this whole thing wasn’t over then, but at least we had a start.


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